In my early years of playing and coaching, winning matches came easily. Back then I
knew that if we worked hard, we were most likely going to win. During my college
career we won at least 20 matches each season. In all my years as a Division I volleyball
player, I never experienced a losing record. Losing meant failing – and that was
unacceptable. I was not a failure! I realize now that this mentality kept me from truly
growing personally and professionally for many years – but I’ll get back to that.

I landed my first college head-coaching job at the age of 24. Hired 11 days before
preseason, I began my work at a small Division II program that had only one win the
previous season. I saw this as the ultimate challenge and proceeded to approach my
first full-time coaching gig like a toddler running towards a glass wall. Our first season
we went 3-28 – my first EVER losing season. Each loss chipped away at my confidence
and self-worth, and I started to experience stress and anxiety like never before. It didn’t
matter to me that in my second season as head coach we went 14-16. To me, I was still
a failing coach with a losing record. I was beat down mentally and physically. I lost my
joy of coaching and eventually stepped away from volleyball to get my Master’s Degree
in Counseling, and to figure out who I was outside of being a volleyball player and coach.

During this time I also discovered the work of Dr. Brene Brown…

I first stumbled upon Dr. Brown’s now infamous TEDx talk titled The Power of
Vulnerability through a Google search on “Empathy.” She was able to articulate my
feelings and experiences for the first time and at that moment I started to see my
experiences in a different light. I also had the incredible opportunity to see and meet
her at a conference prior to her famous “Super Soul Sunday” chat with Oprah Winfrey
last year. Dr. Brown’s work focuses mostly on vulnerability, shame and worthiness. In
her most recent book, Daring Greatly, she quotes the following excerpt from a speech
given by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910 that many refer to as the “Man in the Arena”
speech:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man
stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to
the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no
effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who
knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the
worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

I began to realize that I if I was going to find my way back to volleyball, I had to allow
myself to experience the vulnerability I ran away from years ago. So, I returned to
coaching and later began consulting with players and coaches on personal and team
development. It was difficult at first, but I welcome the chance to experience whatever
comes my way. Now, each day is filled with new stories, relationships and the
opportunity to reconnect with the people and the sport I love. All my trials, errors,
triumphs and setbacks (volleyball-related or not) have led me to this place. I’m still
scared to death to get in the arena – whether it’s having an uncomfortable conversation
or writing this article – but I usually enter it anyways by keeping the following in mind…

Taking a risk and trying new things knowing you might fail is the true definition of
courage. Allow yourself to be fully seen. Putting yourself out there means also
experiencing criticism and failure as well as connection, love, and creativity.
2) To love yourself unconditionally as you are, win or lose, is a gift. You are not perfect and
that’s awesome. Yes, you make (and have made) mistakes, but it does not make you a
bad person. You might have a losing season, but instead of internalizing it as a
reflection of WHO you ARE, you can reflect back on your actions and strategies, solicit
constructive feedback, change tactics and keep moving forward.
3) Constructive Feedback is an opportunity to grow. When encountering or asking for
feedback, spend most of your time trying to understand the other person’s point of view
using reflection statements and asking open-ended questions and less time defending
your point of view. Who knows, you actually might learn something – or you might
not… The most important part is that in order to really connect and learn from others,
we have to show we care and validate their experience.
4) When you inevitably face the critics – they should also be getting their butt kicked in the
arena. Email, text, comment threads do not create meaningful dialogue. A criticism
that starts off as an email should end with a face-to-face conversation. If a critic
(parent, player, other coach, etc.) isn’t willing to get out of their cushy seat and have a
real live conversation about something, then it’s not worth your time.
5) Finally, most likely your harshest critic is YOU. No matter how much you try to perfect
and protect yourself from the bad stuff, there’s no way around it – if you want to get out
there, then just GO. There’s something safe about doing your work and staying just
under the radar, but if you really want to challenge yourself and experience the really
good stuff, you’ve got to be comfortable with discomfort. Let go of comparing yourself
with others. We all have our own journey and there are a lot of great things you have
yet to accomplish.

These days when I coach or consult with teams or organizations, it’s because I want to
help the individuals and groups reach THEIR potential – without the expectation that I’m
the EXPERT of their lives or that I know what they need. If I get a question or encounter
resistance through criticism, I see that as an opportunity to relate, explore and learn
about the person in order to see if I can turn a criticism into something constructive. My
goal now is to help players and coaches see that as scary and uncomfortable the arena
can be, it is the ONLY place where we can really grow, create and become our best
selves. The wins and losses come and go, but true worthiness is something that is
always within you – and the arena can bring it out. Otherwise, we’re just sitting on the
sidelines watching and critiquing others in our cushy seats.

About the Author

Salley Ouellette is the Executive Director of Early Start
Volleyball and an Independent Consultant in the areas
of personal, career and team development. You can
contact Salley directly via email at
salley.ouellette@gmail.com.